My experience of ADP - Linda aged 36 years
I didn’t know that I had APD until I was diagnosed in my late twenties and treated with Berard Auditory Integration. I did know, that I found the people I knew were different to me, and wondered how they could stand being in such noisy and crowded situations and not feel completely overwhelmed, as if they were unravelling from the inside out.
I remember at the age of 17 being on Londons' Oxford Street during peak summer holiday season. I remember seeing a sea of people closely packed in the street and trying to make their way forward as one large living mass
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I remember the sounds of voices, laughing, chattering, and the shrill giggling of other groups of young teenage girls out shopping for the day. A newspaper seller touting the daily news. The sound of hundreds of shoes against the footpath. There were the sounds of buses, stopping, the revving up to pull out again, the sound of those alighting talking to their children, the sound of the bell as people indicated they wanted the next stop. A van driver leaning on his horn as the bus pulled out to move on. The general sound of traffic, the sound of the pedestrian lights indicating it was safe to cross the street. Music coming blasting out of one of the shops and someone behind me saying, ‘Excuse me dear’, as she pushed past. My world began to unravel!
But, worse than all of that, was that I heard all of those sounds, at the same volume, as invasive noise, piercing my brain and scrambling my composure. TOO MUCH NOISE!! ……. these were no longer sounds that I could sort according to their relevance and importance, I had no way of filtering out what was important for me to pay attention to or ignore as background lull, because I was powerless to do any of that, I was drowning in a sea of sound and people.
I felt that I was drowning, being held, as if underwater, by sound! In a fit of survival behaviour, I jumped into a bus that had pulled up and was about to leave again. I didn’t care that I had no idea where it was going. I scrambled upstairs and pushed my way to the corner where I was able block out sight and movement by pushing myself flat against the wall, closing my eyes and firmly wedging my fingers into my ears. I just breathed. I stayed on that bus until almost the end of the line, miles from my original destination. I stayed because the bus was getting emptier, the engine hummed more than stopping and starting and my breathing calmed, and my senses began to come together again into a functioning me.
In the years to come I began to control my excursions more and more. My friends lovingly referred to me as moody when they were all having loud fun. In group and party situations I would try, to tell myself that this time I would let it all wash over me, only to fail time and time again. Back then in the early 1980s and being one of five children, APD was not part of mainstream knowledge, and my parents were busy herding the troops without either time or inclination to pay special attention to any of us individually.
It was about 10 years later, when I had my first child and I dearly wanted to relish the experience, that I found my APD became worse, and the sound of crying was too much for me. I eventually went to a therapist who noticed the symptom pattern was not psychological but physiological, auditory, and suggested I go to visit another practitioner who worked with sound sensitivities. That was when my world began to change, to open up and become a hospitable place probably for the first time.
I found the training initially very difficult, the first 3 sessions irritated me, then I felt extremely tired as the auditory pathways of my brain began to rewire in a more efficient way. Within about a week of having the training I noticed first a sense of relief, as if a weight had been lifted off me. I couldn’t name the weight, but life was just lighter for me.
Then I noticed that my child crying was not affecting me in the same way. I heard it for what it was, a communication of a need, and could attend to him without feeling that me nerves and brain were being massaged by a cheese grater.
Over the next 3-4 months I noticed that my interest in non-essential activities, like meeting friends with children in coffee shops, engaging in conversation for the joy of it, and listening to music while I attended to other things was not only easy but enjoyable. I could take my son to the park and enjoy the experience, even when the noise of other children of all ages, their laughing, their screams, their constant chatter and squealing and their parents sounds were all OK.
I also began to read more as I could maintain my concentration and focus for more than a paragraph or two. I was also waking refreshed, even having been up, usually twice, during the night for my son. Life was good and I finally felt like me!
I know that sensory and spectrum disorders are life long and the aim is not to 'cure ' a condition but to improve and maximise the functioning of what each person has. I have heard some people with these symptoms are reluctant to have training as they don’t want to ‘loose’ who they are and I understand their apprehension.
I can say without doubt that having the training has not changed who I am, it has allowed me to be and live who I am. I am me, but functioning on all cylinders and enjoying the experience so, so much. If you are thinking finding out if you have APD or doing something to improve your current functioning and stress on your nervous system and brain, I would recommend chatting to someone who knows what the training is like, or has worked with Berard AIT and has seen the wide range of symptoms and results form the training. Like me, you have nothing to loose and every thing to gain.
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